black hats, pt.1: the dark side

so you think you can hack it in the wild wild world of orthodox jewery? well you may find a few unexpected surprises. living the frum life may be all the rage, but there are a few hidden regulations down in the fine print that may work to cramp your steez. ahem.

for starters, dress modestly. get yourself a hat. cover up them locks, men and women alike. and cover up those sleeves and legs. skin is sexy, and sexy is a no no. if you wanna' go wild, get yourself some crocs for the weekend, black only please. do make babies. lots of them. so many that giant people-mover vans will litter the streets. make the babies with your spouse. don't have one? no worries, these things can be arranged. in the kitchen, keep two sets of everything. dishes, sinks, microwaves color coded blue for milk, red for meat. then wait at least 3 hours between eating one or the other.

friday evening through saturday evening is a whole other bag of tricks (shabbat). make sure to turn lights on before sundown, pre-tear piles of toilet paper, cook food. because as soon as that sun drops friday evening no working, no carrying, no playing, no. you can have guests over, but single guys are not allowed around single gals, unless they're officially courting. and you must pray. after every meal, when you get up, when you go to bed, when something good happens and something bad, on shabbat you walk to the synagogue and pray with other people (men and women separated of course) and then every other week there's another holiday to pray about. you get really good at praying.

why do perfectly sane people subject themselves to these torturous circumstances? is it a gang? once in, in for life? is it too late to change my mind? stay tunned for black hats pt.2: what's in it for me?